Are you tired of tossing and turning, unable to find the peaceful sleep you crave? Many people struggle with insomnia or sleep deprivation, and if you're one of them, know that you’re not alone. Achieving better sleep is possible, and it starts with understanding the root causes of your sleep issues.

In this blog post, we explore a conversation between Dr. Yishan Xu and Dr. Chris Winter, a renowned sleep expert and author of The Sleep Solution: Why Your Sleep is Broken and How to Fix It. Together, they address the complexities of insomnia and offer valuable strategies to help you improve your sleep quality.

Two Key Facts About Sleep

According to Dr. Winter, improving sleep starts with understanding two fundamental truths:

1. You can't "decide" not to sleep.

   Even if you decide not to sleep, you probably cannot do it. No one can go without sleep indefinitely and still survive. So, even if you’re hyper-aroused or struggling to settle down, your body will sleep. We need to differentiate between being hyper-aroused, having trouble settling down, or waking up more than we would like, rather than actually being unable to sleep. You may not be in danger of not sleeping; you might just not be sleeping well.

2. Eight hours of sleep is an average, not a rule.

   It is normal for you to sleep more or less than this average number, just like people can have different heights: some are taller, and some are shorter. While the average person may need 7–9 hours, it’s perfectly normal for some to need more or less. Don’t stress about hitting a specific number of hours—what matters is how well you’re functioning during the day.

What is Insomnia?

Dr. Winter offers an analogy to explain insomnia. Imagine eating dinner at a restaurant. If you get halfway through your spaghetti, but aren’t hungry anymore, is that a problem? Not if you're not hungry. Similarly, waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, doesn’t always mean you have insomnia. You might just not be sleepy. Reframing your understanding of insomnia into something that may not be as troublesome as you think, can sometimes reduce anxiety around sleep.

Changing Your Mindset

Over time, many people begin to define themselves by their insomnia. To address insomnia, it’s crucial to separate this definition from your identity, acknowledging that you are more than just an inability to sleep. It is not that you don't have a problem, but rather the problem might be a little different from what you think. We understand that with a problem like insomnia, it might feel like a huge block in your way that cannot go anywhere until it gets moved. However, it’s a condition that can be managed with the right strategies.

Insomnia vs. Sleep Deprivation

Oftentimes, we assume that if we have insomnia, then we are sleep-deprived, treating these two terms as synonyms. Yet this is not the case.

To put them into simple terms, insomnia is characterized by difficulty falling or staying asleep, happens when you have opportunities to sleep but are unable to sleep; whereas sleep deprivation happens when you simply do not get enough sleep. While insomnia can lead to feelings of being sleep-deprived, yet it could indicate a more complex condition with both mental and emotional aspects.

Treating Insomnia

The most effective long-term treatment for insomnia is cognitive-behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I). There are specific instances where medications can be helpful temporarily, or with travel and other factors. However, to have long-term meaningful treatment for insomnia, cognitive-behavioral therapy (psychological counseling, or talk therapy, that focuses on modifying dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviors related to sleep) has to come into play.

The Importance of Preventing Insomnia

Dr. Winter emphasizes the importance of preventing insomnia rather than just treating it. Much like vaccines protect against diseases, preventing insomnia from developing is more effective than managing it once it becomes a chronic issue. Unfortunately, many people don’t seek help for sleep issues until they’ve become severe, often after trying various sleeping pills. Prevention beforehand is as important as the treatment afterward.

Prevention starts with understanding sleep from an early age. Teaching children how sleep works and how to handle occasional bad nights of sleep, is key to raising good sleepers. Dr. Winter shares an example from his own family:

He allowed his children the freedom to decide when to turn off their lights and did not present sleeping to them as a task that they had to complete. Yet he, nicely but firmly, woke his children up at a consistent time each morning. Even if they told him that they had a bad night’s sleep, he would not let them go back to sleep but rather tell them that they still needed to get up and go to school. His children are now all great sleepers. No matter if they have a good night’s sleep or not, they would not have an anxiety response of not sleeping well enough, as Dr. Winter trained and instructed them by the method introduced above.

From this example, we can see that similar to good sleepers, insomnia patients are also built over the years; it does not just happen overnight. The way you internalize insomnia and interpret it over your life can actually influence your sleep quality and determine if you can become a good sleeper or not.

Sleep is a Skill, Not a Trait

Sleep is a skill rather than a trait.

One of Dr. Winter’s key insights is that sleep is a skill you can improve, rather than a fixed trait. Just like you can learn to play an instrument or perfect a sports technique, you can train yourself to sleep better. Even if you believe that you are a “bad sleeper,” you need to know that sleep is not something you are locked into. You can take control and make changes. Think of it as a learning process.

Understanding that you have the ability to improve your sleep is an important step. Dr. Winter draws parallels to a seasoned baseball player who suddenly struggles to hit a curveball. Similar to that player who can practice and improve, you can also hone your sleep skills.

It is not about control; it is about change. Improving your sleep starts with recognizing that change is possible. Adjusting your mindset, building healthier sleep habits, and working on your sleep skills will help you take control of your sleep.

Sleep is a Family Affair

Sleep issues don’t just affect the individual—your sleep problems can quickly become your family’s sleep problems. Well-rested parents are better equipped to handle daily challenges. On the other hand, when sleep issues enter the equation, simple challenges can escalate into stressful situations. For example, you see that your children’s room is messy. On regular occasions, you would just remind them to clean it up. However, when you do not have a good night’s sleep, you might uncontrollably yell at them and regret it afterward.

Take a moment to reflect: Have your sleep problems caused tension or conflict within your family? If so, addressing your sleep issues first. This can impact not only your well-being but also the harmony within your family!

Conclusion

If you’re struggling with insomnia or other sleep issues, remember that there is hope. Sleep is not something you’re stuck with—you can change how you deal with sleep. Whether through cognitive-behavioral therapy or preventive practices, the journey to better sleep begins with the understanding that you have the power to make changes.

Your journey to restful sleep starts with you!

This article is brought to you by Mind & Body Garden Psychology —- Psychological services available in multiple languages (English, Mandarin, Cantonese): 650-434-2563 (Voicemail only); admin@mindbodygarden.com. We are out-of-network providers, HSA/FSA accepted. Send us a text message on the phone, or call us and leave a voicemail.

• Dr. Yishan Xu’s CBT-I insomnia courses in Chinese and English.

• Psychological Evaluation Services (Diagnoses of IQ, ADHD, ASD, etc.)

• Dr. Yishan’s Sleep Newsletters, Podcast and YouTube

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