Dr. Yishan recently had a conversation with a Japanese therapist, Tatsuya, about the “toxic“ family relationship and “adult children“ syndrome we often observe in our clinical work. You can find the whole conversation on our YouTube Channel or our podcast. We summarized some main points from the conversation here. Welcome discussions on this topic.

What Tatsuya observe from "toxic" families in his clinical work:

1) Clients feel suffocated in the family, as the parents did not allow them to have their own thoughts and space, or parents control too much and did not show enough respect to them;

2) The phenomenon of "adult child", similar to “grown-up kids“, these adults growing up in “toxic“ family relationships, carries way too much self-criticism, lack of self-validation, and tends to minimizes their own achievement, which all may lead to inability to feel happy in their lives no matter what they have.

However, Tatsuya shared his own journey of growing up in a toxic family environment and find happiness in life now. He wants to encourage everyone out there to embrace the hope of self-improvement. He gave out some suggestions:

What “Adult Children“ Can Do?

It is important for “adult children” to learn how to set boundaries with their parents. Assertiveness does not have to be aggressive or passive. Assertive communication can be practiced and you are able to get better at it through the right training and guidance.

We all need to learn how to say "NO" to others if it feels too much for us. It is part of boundary setting with the goal of protecting ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a great therapy method for this. Instead of controlling your thoughts and feelings, observe these thoughts and feelings, stay with them, and try to accept them, at least you can reduce the negative impact on your own mental health.

What Can Parents Consider Doing?

We all need to understand that we are unable to change others, but we can work on ourselves first. At the same time, if some parents are able to be aware of how their behaviors are impacting their children negatively, that is a great start, and could open doors for a better family relationship and healthier child in the future.

The parents should try to balance control and power in the family relationship. If controlling too much, becoming a helicopter parent, will overwhelm the children. However, if there is no control, the children may abuse their freedom. It is all about achieving a balance in the family.

Parents are encouraged to have some quality time with their children.

Quality time should be fun time, when parents try to let go of control and criticism. During this quality time, parents are encouraged to actively listen to the children, try to understand the children's dreams, words and interests, etc. Please don’t jump into judgment or lecturing or suggestions.

Just LISTEN.

Also, quality time should be consistent between the parents and the children. Once parents decide to build quality time with their children, to bond with each other better, try to find a rhythm to do it often. If this is just a one-time thing, it won’t help you improve family relationships very much.

What do you think about “toxic“ family relationships and the grown-up kids syndrome? Leave us a message and let us know!

Resources:

Tatsuya’s Adult Children course in Japanese is available here. Dr. Yishan also has two parenting courses in Chinese, one for parents with teens, and one for parents with younger children, and you can find them here.

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