Growing up in a religious background can shape many aspects of an individual's life, including profound views on sex and sexuality. Many religious teachings emphasize purity and chastity, e.g., sexual desire is sin, don’t have sex until you are married, sex is shameful/wrong/impure/etc. As a sexologist, in my own clinical practice, I have witnessed again and again, how such early sex education destroys their sexual pleasure as adults.

This often leads to feelings of shame and confusion around sexual desires and behaviors. These feelings often persist into adulthood, creating barriers to sexual health and intimate relationships. After treating so many people suffering from these lingering negative consequences, I really want to emphasize:

Having sexual desire is very normal, and it is a very normal human nature, it is not shameful.

We all deserve sexual pleasure, and you do not have to wait for a certain age or a certain person to bring that to you.

An appropriate amount of masturbation is very healthy for our mental and physical health.

If others find you attractive, that means you are attractive, and there is nothing wrong about you, be proud of it, and enjoy it!

Here are some essential book recommendations for those looking to overcome shame and embrace a healthier view of sex.

1. "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski

A great starting point for anyone on a journey to reclaiming their sexual health, "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski presents groundbreaking research about women's sexuality. The author uses science-based insights to help readers understand their bodies and desires. This book is an empowering guide for developing a healthy relationship with sex, free from shame.

2. "Unlearning Shame" by Devon Price

Devon Price's "Unlearning Shame" is another excellent read, breaking down the complexities of shame and how it affects our lives. While not solely focused on sex, this book provides invaluable insights into the broader context of shame and its impact on intimacy. It's a critical resource for anyone looking to heal from shame-based teachings and find self-acceptance.

3. "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free" by Linda Kay Klein

Linda Kay Klein's "Pure" offers a gripping narrative about growing up in the evangelical purity movement and the profound impact it had on young women. Klein combines personal storytelling with investigative research to reveal the deep-seated shame that such movements perpetuate. This book is an eye-opener and a beacon of hope for those seeking to break free from these teachings.

4. "Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms" by Matthias Roberts

"Beyond Shame" by Matthias Roberts is especially valuable for people raised in purity culture and strict religious backgrounds. Roberts, a psychotherapist specializing in sexual shame, provides compassionate advice on how to establish a healthy and fulfilling sex life. He offers practical steps for moving past shame and embracing one's sexuality.

5. "Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy" by Tina Schermer Sellers

Tina Schermer Sellers takes a bold approach in "Sex, God, and the Conservative Church," addressing how conservative religious teachings can distort views on sex and intimacy. Sellers provides a path to healing and reclaiming a sexually healthy life, rooted in both personal experience and professional expertise. This book is an essential read for those wanting to reconcile their faith with a positive approach to sexuality.

6. "The Sexually Confident Woman" by Karlyn Borysenko

Karlyn Borysenko's "The Sexually Confident Woman" offers insights into overcoming societal and personal stigmas around sex. This book encourages readers to embrace their sexuality in a positive and healthy way, making it an empowering resource for women who have felt constrained by traditional teachings. Borysenko provides practical advice for building sexual confidence and finding joy in one's sexual identity.

7. "The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment" by Clifford and Joyce Penner

For those who wish to explore sexuality within a faith-based framework, "The Gift of Sex" by Clifford and Joyce Penner is a wonderful resource. This book addresses sexual issues with sensitivity and respect for religious beliefs, helping couples enhance their sexual relationship while maintaining their faith principles. The authors provide thoughtful and practical guidance on achieving sexual fulfillment in the context of a committed relationship.

Additional Recommendations

Many sex therapists and sexologists recommend these additional resources for those struggling with sexual shame:

• "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown: Although not exclusively about sex, Brené Brown's work on vulnerability and shame is pivotal for anyone dealing with these issues.

• "Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma" by Staci Haines: This book offers real-life techniques for healing and reclaiming sexual intimacy after trauma and shame.

• "Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape" by Peggy Orenstein: A candid look at the sexual lives of teenage girls and young women today, offering insights and context for understanding contemporary sexual challenges.

Conclusion

Confronting and overcoming shame around sex is no small feat, particularly for those raised in religious backgrounds that emphasize purity and chastity. However, by reading and learning from experts and those who have walked similar paths, individuals can begin to heal and embrace a healthier view of their sexuality. These books provide some tools, insights, and support for anyone ready to take this empowering journey.

Remember, you are not alone, and with the right guidance, you can transform your relationship with sex into something beautiful and shame-free.

For more resources and support, do not hesitate to reach out to a licensed sex therapist or counselor who can provide personalized advice and care. If you are looking for sex education in Chinese, you can find them on my YouTube channel. Here are several English sex education videos I have made in the past.